Last summer, my partner and I decided to get married. We’ve been together for about 9 years, and this still feels like a leap. Because our relationship isn’t perfect, and we’re not perfect, and for some of those nine years we’ve been waiting for things to become perfect. We’ve been waiting to become picture-book close with our families, for chronic pain conditions to vanish, for wandering creative careers to stabilize, for a sex-life bruised by health to flourish, to clean the pile of dishes in the sink, to heat our crappy rental with no central air, and on and on. The doubts were floating around in the ether, and we were focused on them
I get so focused on my doubts and worries and insecurities that for long periods of time, I can’t even see the big metaphorical button over my head telling me to go forward. To jump. To be grateful for the beautiful relationship I have.
I’ve learned that being brave doesn’t mean being fearless because there’s no such thing. To me, being brave is moving forward even when I’m afraid. It’s impossible to get rid of all of my doubts - if I get rid of one, there’s always a new one ready to pop up to take its place. I’m trying to move forward even when doubt is staring me right in the face. I’m trying to choose to focus on staying grateful for the positive rather than dwelling on the negative.
I’m learning to recognize that “This isn’t good enough,” or “I don’t have enough money saved up,” or “I’ll look dumb if I fail” are all fear talking me out of starting. Yes, starting anything new is a risk, and yes, it may not go as planned. But the important story is that I am worthy of trying. You are worthy of trying. Your dreams are worthy of trying. You are brilliant enough, beautiful enough, and tough enough. You are enough.
Our wedding is in April. Dayenu.