Gray Areas 1P

{(set: $daytime = false) }It's Wednesday night(if: $daysPassed is 1)[ a week later](if: $daysPassed is 2)[another week later], and you're sitting on the couch with your partner watching Season (print: (floor: $daysPassed / 2) + 2), Episode (print: (floor:$daysPassed / 2) + 2 * $daysPassed % 2 + 4) of some crime drama on Netflix. (if: $daysPassed is 0)[The thieves are hiding in a warehouse.] (else-if: $daysPassed is 1)[The cops figured out the top thief's secret identity.] (else-if: $daysPassed is 2)[It turned out the cops were actually thieves.] (else-if: $daysPassed is 3)[The thieves escaped again.] (if:$daysPassed < 3)[It's (either: "11\:15", "12\:20", "1am"), and you're tired. You look over at your partner. They're beautiful. You're worried about your [[sex life|night thoughts]].] (else:)[(if: $patience < 0)[It all is too familiar, and it's all been going on [[forever|breakfast]].]{ }(else-if: $patience >= 2)[You look over at them, and you're amazed. You feel closer than ever. You can see your growth over the past few weeks. You lean your head on their shoulder. The future looks [[beautiful|breakfast]].]{ }(else:)[You think back on the past weeks, and you're pleased with yourself. It's a hard situation, and you're handling it beautifully. There's room for growth, for sure, but for tonight, you're content to [[snuggle up|breakfast]] and watch TV together.]]

(if: $nightThoughtIndex is 0)[ Sex has been physically [[painful|night thoughts]] for so long now. It's [[frustrating|depressing]].] (else-if: $nightThoughtIndex is 1)[ You've been to so many [[doctors|night thoughts]] over the years, and none of them can tell you what's really going on. It's [[depressing]].] (else-if: $nightThoughtIndex is 2)[ The [[needles|night thoughts]] and injections and procedures have all caused trauma. It's [[defeating|depressing]].] (else-if: $nightThoughtIndex is 3)[ Any bit of arousal may cause a [[pain flare|too heavy]] from the nerve irritation, and that's so limiting. It's [[demoralizing|depressing]].] You're tired of remembering. You turn your brain off, watch the end of the show, and go to [[sleep|sleep]]. You reach out for your partner to [[hold their hand]]. (set: $nightThoughtIndex = ($nightThoughtIndex + 1) % $numNightThoughts)

You intertwine your tiny fingers and feel a little better. You decide to go in for a [[kiss]]. You decide to tell your partner that [[you're frustrated|on your mind]].{(set:$pushIndex = 0)}

{ (set: $nothing to 0) (set: $patience = $patience - 1) }[[It's been going on forever|Nothing ever changes]].

And then you can't think about it any more. It's too heavy. You watch the end of the show and then go to [[sleep|sleep]]. (either: "It was a cliff hanger.", "The cops couldn't make the charges stick.", "The thieves hatched a new plan.", "A cop and a thief fell in love.", "Two cops got in a fight.", "The DA got upset with the lead detective.", "One of the thieves left her life of crime.")

{(set: $daytime = true) }(if: $dayThoughtIndex is 0)[ You [[should|daytime]] be having more sex. It's wrong and shameful that you're not. It's [[frustrating|depressing]].] (else-if: $dayThoughtIndex is 1)[ You've stayed in this relationship for so long without enough sex. You're a [[sucker|daytime]]. It's [[depressing]].] (else-if: $dayThoughtIndex is 2)[ The lack of sex makes you small and [[invisible|daytime]] in the world. It's [[defeating|depressing]].] (else-if: $dayThoughtIndex is 3)[ Your friends are having way more sex than you. There's something [[wrong|daytime]] with your relationship. There's something wrong with you. It's [[damning|depressing]].] (else-if: $dayThoughtIndex is 4)[ Nobody knows this about you. It's your [[dirty secret|daytime]]. It's [[isolating|depressing]].] You make an appointment with a [[therapist|therapy]]. You push it down and [[ignore it]]. (set: $dayThoughtIndex to ($dayThoughtIndex + 1))

You're not totally comfortable talking about sex with a near-stranger, but you do. And then you listen. "You are more than how often you have sex." You keep [[talking]] and listening. You say to yourself, [["Forget this."|depressing]]

"There's so much to do today. It's not worth worrying about this," you tell yourself. You move through your days with a constant hum of worry about exactly this underlying all of your thoughts. You push through, and eventually, you find yourself somehwere you've [[already been|couch]].

{(set: $daysPassed = $daysPassed + 1) }You wake up, and you're still upset. You're rested, but you can't stop [[obsessing|daytime]]. {(set: $dayThoughtIndex = 0) (set: $numDayThoughts = 5) }

(if: $nothing is 0)[ [[And it's not getting better|Nothing ever changes]].] (if: $nothing is 1)[ [[It's never-ending|Nothing ever changes]].] (if: $nothing is 2)[ [[Nothing ever changes|Nothing ever changes]].] (if: $nothing is 3)[ [[Nothing ever changes|Nothing ever changes]].] (if: $nothing is 4)[ [[Nothing ever changes|Nothing ever changes]].] (if: $nothing > 4)[ You're done with this. You're [[leaving]]. (if: $daytime is false)[You're tired. You're going to [[sleep]].](else:)[You find yourself back in a [[familiar place|couch]].]] (if: $patience > 0)[You remember that it's [[not all bad]].] {(set: $nothing to $nothing + 1)}

Can you even leave? What would you do? Where would you go? It doesn't matter. You're [[going|leaving2]]. It's too overwhelming. You're [[staying|sleep]]. Just sleep it off.

{(set: $kiss = 0) }You're smooching and it feels good. Your partner seems to be enjoying it, and you don't see any signs of pain. You run your hands over their [[body]].

(if: $pushIndex is 0)["I'm frustrated, babe." You worry about hurting your partner.] (else-if: $pushIndex is 1)["I'm worried I want what you can't give." You worry that your desires make you a bad partner.] (else-if: $pushIndex is 2)["I can't get rid of this sense of 'lack.' It just sits with me." You worry that saying these feeling out loud means you can’t ignore them any more.] (else-if: $pushIndex is 3)["I feel 'less than.'"] (if:$pushIndex < 3)[It's scary, but you [[keep going|on your mind]].] (else:)[You [[pause|push through]]] It's scary, and so you [[stop]]. {(set: $pushIndex = $pushIndex + 1)}

(if: $kiss < 4)[Still no signs of pain.] (if: $kiss is 0)[ You keep kiss a little [[deeper|body]].] (if: $kiss is 1)[ You press your bodies [[together|body]].] (if: $kiss is 2)[ You start taking off their [[shirt|body]].] (if: $kiss is 3)[ You keep kissing and moan into your partner's [[mouth|body]].] (if: $kiss is 4)[ Your partner pulls away. "Hey babe, I have to stop for the night, OK?" You respond, "OK," and rest your head on their [[chest|enough]]. and go back to your side of the [[couch|frustrated]]. ] {(set: $kiss = $kiss + 1)}

You're a little disappointed, but you know it's OK. Tonight was a small step and a small victory. You watch the end the show on Netflix and go to [[bed|good sleep]]. (either: "It was a cliff hanger.", "The cops couldn't make the charges stick.", "The thieves hatched a new plan.", "A cop and a thief fell in love.", "Two cops got in a fight.", "The DA got upset with the lead detective.", "One of the thieves left her life of crime.") (set: $patience = $patience + 1.1)

{(set: $daysPassed = $daysPassed + 1) }You wake up feeling well-rested and excited for the day. You're doing so great! You respond to emails promptly and even listen to your old voice-mail. Then suddenly (if: $goodSleeps is 0)[the smell of new flowers at work remind you of when you and your partner first got together](else-if: $goodSleeps is 1)[the barista at your coffee spot is unusually attractive today](else-if: $goodSleeps is 2)[there's a bizzarely arousing commercial on the TV when you're out to lunch](else-if: $goodSleeps is 3)[a on Pandora reminds you of that one time in the hotel in Chicago] and you're back to thinking about your imperfect [[sex life|daytime]].{(set: $dayThoughtIndex = 0) (set: $numDayThoughts = 5) (set: $goodSleeps = $goodSleeps + 1) }

It's not enough for you. You want more, and you're frustrated. How long has it been [[like this|depressing]]?

"I love you," your partner says. "I love you," you say back. "Thank you for sharing. I know it sucks. It sucks for me, too. I wish it were different." [["Me too."]]

"It's going to change. I know it." "You do?" "Yes. Let me [[carry it]] for a while."

"I love you." "I love you, too." "Let's go to good sleep." [["Okay."|good sleep]] {(set: $patience = $patience + 1.1)}

The end. [[Play again?|couch]]

"How old is the part of you that's upset about not getting what it wants? 13? 14?" You keep [[talking|talking2]] and listening. You say to yourself, [["Forget this."|depressing]]

"Befriend that adolescent part of yourself. Lead them. Be a good older sibling to them. Be kind to them." You keep [[talking|talking3]] and listening. You say to yourself, [["Forget this."|depressing]]

"And how are you responding to rejection? Are you retreating into yourself or are you staying together?" You keep [[talking|talking4]] and listening. You say to yourself, [["Forget this."|depressing]]

"Our time's up. I'll see you in a few weeks. Take [[care]]."

Throughout the week, you think back on your therapist's words, They give you peace. You're able to move through your days and frustrations more smoothly. You feel yourself growing. Eventually, you end up in your [[familiar spot|couch]]. {(set: $patience = $patience + 1.1)}

{(set: $nightThoughtIndex = 0) (set: $numNightThoughts = 4) (set: $patience = 0) (set: $daysPassed = 0) (set: $day = "Wednesday") (set: $goodSleeps = 0) }[[Gray Areas|couch]]

You calm yourself down and feel a little better. (if: $daytime is false)[It's ok, and it's time for [[bed|good sleep]].](else:)[It's ok, and eventually you find yourself in your [[familiar spot|couch]].]

You pack up the car and head to a hotel. There were only a few roaches in the bathroom which you can deal with. You're [[strong]].

You're [[free]].

You're [[alone]].

[[...|breakfast]]

You watch the end of the show and go to [[bed|sleep]]. (either: "It was a cliff hanger.", "The cops couldn't make the charges stick.", "The thieves hatched a new plan.", "A cop and a thief fell in love.", "Two cops got in a fight.", "The DA got upset with the lead detective.", "One of the thieves left her life of crime.")